I hate you, I love you
by rokie
Summary: This is a story about Alex a character that I created who is Dawn and Mary Anne's half sister and her estranged relationship with her older sisters. will her relationship with them change when an accident leaves the family shaken?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: the characters of Dawn, Mary Anne, Sharon, Richard and Logan belong to Ann M. Martin. All other characters belong to me.**

**Notes: Alex (Alexandra) is Sharon and Richard's daughter. she was born when Dawn and Mary Anne were fourteen. She is now thirteen and Dawn and Mary Anne are twenty-seven.**

"Alex! Hurry up and get down here!" my mom yelled up the stairs to me. "We're leaving in 5 minutes."

I looked in the mirror and rolled my eyes. I was not going downstairs. I was not going to go to the airport. I didn't see the point. It's not like they were eager to see me, so why should I have been eager to see them. I hadn't seen either of them in four years. Not since Mary Anne got married to Logan Bruno. They never bothered to tell me when they both got pregnant (twice). They left that up to for Mom and Dad to tell me. I doubt if either of them ever asks Mom or Dad how I'm doing. They never even showed up last year when I was in the hospital to have my appendix removed. Some sisters. I hated them.

I heard a knock at my door.

"Alexandra," I heard my mom say. "Can I come in?"

"Fine," I said as I got up to unlock my bedroom door to let her in.

"We're leaving to go pick up Dawn and Mary Anne at the airport now," my mom said to me.

"I'm not going," I told her.

"Why not?" my mom asked, slightly surprised. "Don't you miss them? You haven't seen them in years."

"That's not my fault."

"Alex, you don't have to be rude about it."

"Whatever," I said as I rolled my eyes at my mom.

"Don't do that," Mom snapped at me. "If you don't want to go then I won't make you."

Mom got up off my bed and left my room. I listened to Mom walk down the stairs and tell Dad that I wasn't going to the airport with them. A few minutes later I heard them leave and the two cars back out of the driveway.

I sat on my bed and looked at the pictures on my dresser. There was one of Mom, Dad, Dawn, Mary Anne and Jeff the day Mom and Dad got married. Another had a picture of all six of us taken when Mary Anne and Dawn graduated high school. I was only three at the time. The third picture was of me with my two half-sisters. It was taken four years ago when Dawn and Mary Anne were home for Mary Anne's wedding.

I wiped a tear from my face. I hated them for not watching me grow up. I hated them for not being there for me when I needed sisters the most. I hated that they were closer to each other then they were to me. I hated the age difference between us and that I was at a different point in my life then they were.

I looked at my reflection the mirror. Everybody says that I look a lot like Mary Anne when she was my age, especially before she cut her hair. I have been compared to my half-sisters my entire life. I've been told that I'm shy and timid like Mary Anne was. I'm athletic like Dawn was. I hate when people say that. I wish I wasn't like either of my sisters. Then I wouldn't have to hide the fact that I miss them when people mention them.

I have nothing in common with them. They're adults and I'm still a kid. Mary Anne had gone to the University of Iowa when she graduated high school. Her marks were good enough and she received a full scholarship. She said she was going because it was a really good school. I believe she went so that she could be closer to her grandmother (her mother's mother). She graduated with a degree in psychology and she was the best in her class. I was proud of her, even if I never told her. Four years ago she married her middle school boyfriend, Logan Bruno. He was a high school athletics coach. A year after they married, Mary Anne gave birth to identical twin girls, Amber and Amelia. From the pictures that I had seen of them, they look more like Mary Anne then they do like Logan. The four of them live in Logan's home town of Louisville, Kentucky.

After graduation Dawn had decided to return to California to attend university at UCLA. She graduated with a degree in Biochemistry Nutrition and is now working and living in San Francisco as a nutritionist. She had eloped six years ago with a guy she had met at university, Bradley Parker. They now have a five year old blonde daughter, Daisy, and a two year old boy, Rider (who also has blonde hair).

I laughed half-heartedly. I had three nieces and a nephew and I had never seen either of them. Daisy had stayed in California with Bradley when Dawn had come home for Mary Anne's wedding.

I heard the cars pull into the driveway, my sisters were home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dawn, Mary Anne, Sharon, Richard or Logan. They belong to Ann M. Martin. all other characters are mine.**

I got up from my bed and put my ear to the bedroom door. I could hear lots of cheerful voices talking as everyone walked into the house.

"Where's Alex?" I heard Mary Anne ask.

"Probably still in her bedroom," was my dad's reply.

"Alex! Come down here!" my mom yelled up the stairs to me. I didn't move.

A few minutes later Mom called to me again. I refused to leave my room.

The next sound I heard was someone climbing the stairs. I jumped away from door and grabbed a book and started to read it.

"Alex?" I heard Mary Anne say as she tapped on my door. "Can I come in?"

"Why?" I replied curtly.

"I haven't seen you in fours year," she replied thought I could hear it in her voice that she was hurt by the way I had just spoken to her.

"Fine," I answered. "The door is unlock."

I kept looking at my book as she walked into my room and sat down on my bed, near my feet. For the first time in four years I looked up at my sister. My jaw dropped slightly as I studied how much she had changed in the past few years. She was wearing contacts which I seldom saw her wear since she had always worn glasses. Her hair was shorter now than what it was when she got married. It was cut about mid neck with caramel colour highlights. She was looking at me, smiling.

"You look different," I told her.

"I know," was her reply. "What do you think?"

"You never use to wear contacts."

"I finally got use to wearing them."

Mary Anne leaned over and gave me a big hug.

"I missed you so much," she whispered into my ear as she stroked my hair.

I tensed up as I held back my emotions.

"Whatever," I said. Mary Anne let go of and held me at arms length.

"You've changed, Alex."

"Amazing what four years can do," was my sarcastic response.

I looked in her eyes and I could tell that she was trying hard not to cry. I knew that I had upset her.

"Why don't you come downstairs and meet your nieces and nephew," she said to me.

"I, uh, I think I'm coming down with something. I better not." I was lying and she knew it.

"Alright," she said. She got up and left my room, shutting my door behind her.

I started to cry as she walked down the stairs. I realized that I've been doing that a lot lately. Crying over my lack of relationship with sisters and how I constantly felt like I was accident. Mom says that I was a 'surprise'. I say that I was an accident. I reached underneath my bed and took out one of the diaries. They weren't my diaries, even though I do keep a diary, they were Mary Anne's and Dawn's. I had found them in the attic a little while ago and I hadn't had the time to look through them yet.

I was just about to start reading one when there was another knock at my door. Darn, I thought to myself. Why can't people just leave me alone.

"Just a sec," I yelled through the door, as I hastily put the diary away a wiped the tears from my face.

"Come in," I said.

The door knob turned and Dawn slowly walked in to my room. I looked at her and sized her up the same way I had done with Mary Anne. Dawn had probably changed more than Mary Anne had. Her hair, which was almost to her waist the last time I had seen her, was now cut to just below her chin and it was no longer the pale blonde that it had always been. Instead it was more of an ash blonde colour. But the biggest shock I received as I looked at her, was her stomach. She was pregnant again, very pregnant. As I looked at her pregnant belly, I began to feel more anger and more hatred towards her and Mary Anne.

"Were you crying?" she asked me. "Your face is wet."

"No," I snapped without offering any explanation of my moist face.

"You didn't know I was pregnant, did you?" Dawn asked me. She must've noticed the confused look on my face.

"I don't read minds," I replied. "How was I supposed to know?"

"I thought Mom would've told you."

"Well she didn't," I retorted. I could tell that Dawn was as taken aback by attitude has Mary Anne had been.

"Richard says that supper is almost done. He's barbequing steaks and salmon," Dawn told me. I hate it when she calls my dad by his name and when Mary Anne calls my mom, Sharon. It reminds me that they're not my full sisters.

"So," I replied.

"I was told to come up here and tell you to come down."

"Oh," I said. "I should've realised that you didn't come up here because you missed me and wanted to see me."

"I did miss you," Dawn exclaimed. "But after the way you treated Mary Anne, I didn't think you wanted to see me."

"So it's my fault now is it? Can't you ever take responsibility for your own actions!"

Dawn turned on her heels and left without saying another word. I knew in my heart that both of my sisters missed me, but I was still angry with them.

I changed out of my lounge pants and into a low rise jeans. After I had changed into a new sleeveless top I turned towards my dresser and mirror. I hauled my hair out of its ponytail and brushed it. I rearranged my hair into a ponytail again and I headed downstairs for supper.

When I entered the dining room everybody was already seated around the table. I quietly sat myself in the only remaining spot which was next to one of Mary Anne's daughters. I briefly thought about how weird it was that I didn't know which one was seated next to me. On the other side of me was my dad, who was seated at the head of the table.

Everybody started to pass around the food. Mom asked me if I wanted steak or salmon. Dad told her that he cooked a steak for me and that it has onion sauce instead of regular barbeque sauce on it. Dad knows that I don't like salmon. Mom never really pays attention to what I do, so it probably never occurred to her that I have never eaten salmon.

It didn't take me long to eat supper considering I was the only one not talking. My parents were still trying to get caught up on what was happening in my sisters lives. After I was done supper I quietly excused myself from the table and went upstairs to my room. I had only been there for a bit when my phone rang.

"Hello?" I said answering the phone.

"Hey, it's Chris. Do you want to go out tonight?"

"Hi," I said to my boyfriend. "I'd love to. I don't want to stay in this house."

"Okay," he replied. "My brother and I will pick you up in a half hour or so. We'll call you when we get there."

"Alright," I said. "I love you."

"I love you too."

A half hour later my phone rang.

"I'll be down in a second," I said as soon as I answered it.

I quietly snuck down the stairs. Everyone was in the living room talking and laughing. I silently opened the porch door and left the house. I knew that I would get in a lot of trouble later. I wasn't sneaking out just because I wanted to avoid my Mom. I was sneaking out since I was grounded and I knew that if I had asked they would've said no.

"Hey," I said to Chris as I climbed into the back seat of his brother's car.

"How are you doing?" he asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. He knew what I was telling him. I had known Chris since we were in kindergarten. We have been best friends ever since we first met each other. A few months ago we started seeing one another in a different way and he had asked me if I wanted to go out with him. My heart said yes instantly, but my mind had wanted to take some time to think about. I had wanted desperately to talk to my sisters about but I never did. So here I sat in the car with my boyfriend, my best friend. I was glad that my mind had followed my heart.

We were just driving around town with the music blaring. I guess his brother didn't have a date tonight. We stopped briefly at a stop sign and I looked up at Chris. Then everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mary Anne, Dawn, Sharon and Richard. They belong to Ann M. Martin. all other characters belong to me**

**(thanks for the reviews)**

I awoke in a bright room with my mom, dad, Mary Anne and Dawn standing over me. I could tell that my mom and sisters had been crying.

"Oh, thank goodness she's awake," my mom exclaimed.

Some nurses quickly gathered around me asking if I felt alright.

"What's going on?" I asked to nobody in particular. I was so scared.

"You were in a car accident, Sweetie," my mom replied quietly. She was stroking my head. "Another car rear ended you."

"Is Chris…?" I asked, not really wanting to finish the question.

"He's fine," answered my mom. "How are you feeling?"

"I have a splitting headache," I told my mom.

One of the nurses left and promptly returned with to little pills. I swallowed the pills with some water.

"Can I go home now?" I asked my parents.

"Not yet," my mom replied gently. "We have to wait for a doctor to come and examine you before you can be released."

Twenty minutes later a doctor finally came and examined me. After announcing that I have a slight concussion he allowed me to go home. The car ride back to the house was quiet with occasional questions asking me if I was really okay.

When we got home I said goodnight to everyone and went upstairs to go to bed. My mom came up to tuck me in. She hadn't tucked me in since I was five.

"I want you to get a good night sleep, Alex," my mom said to me. "We're going to have a long talk if you're feeling better in the morning."

I slept through the entire night. I was awoken the next morning by a soft knock on my door.

"Come in," I said. I was expecting it to be my mom, instead my dad opened the door.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I'm doing okay," I replied. "My head still hurts a bit though."

"I'll get you some medicine before I go to work."

"Dad, what happened last night?" I asked. Although there was lots of talking going on during the car ride home last night, nobody had bothered to tell me exactly what had happened. All my mom had said was that we had been rear ended.

"You were hit from behind by a drunk driver who was driving to fast," my dad answered.

"Oh," I said.

"I have to leave for work soon," my dad told me. "I'll run downstairs and get you a couple of capsules."

"And…" I started to say.

"And some water," my dad finished for me.

Within minutes my dad was back with the water and capsules. After I had them swallowed my dad said he was leaving for work now and that he'd see me when he got home. He told me to take it easy and not to leave the house. If I needed anything, all I had to do was ask Dawn or Mary Anne.

"Where's Mom?" I asked my dad.

"She's gone to work," my dad replied. "She won't be home until supper time."

"Okay," I said. I was sort of sad that my mom hadn't come up to check on me this morning.

"I love you, Alex," my dad said as he leaned over to kiss my forehead.

"I love you, too," I replied. "Bye."

My dad left my room and headed downstairs. I could hear him say something to my sisters, but I couldn't understand the words. I heard him leave the house and I rolled over onto my side and closed my eyes. I fell asleep and didn't wake up again until lunch time. My head wasn't hurting as much anymore so I lifted myself out of bed and walked downstairs to the kitchen. The house seemed quiet so I was hoping that nobody was home. I realized that was not the case when I walked into the kitchen. Dawn and Mary Anne were seated at the table eating their lunch. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to them at the moment. They turned around as soon as I entered the kitchen.

"Hey," Dawn said. "You shouldn't be out of bed."

"I was hungry," I snapped at her. I started making myself a sandwich.

"Alex, she was just being concerned about you," Mary Anne said softly. "How are you feeling now?"

"I am not a child," I retorted, completely ignoring her question.

"Actually, yes you are a child," replied Dawn.

I slammed the fridge shut and turned to glare at my sister.

"Alex," Mary Anne started to say.

"I'm going back up to room," I said cutting her off. I turned around and stormed upstairs with my sandwich and a glass of milk in my hands.

"What did you have to say that for?" I heard Mary Anne ask Dawn.

"Because," was Dawn's reply. "She is acting like a selfish, immature child."

I closed my bedroom door behind me and sat down on my bed to eat my lunch. It was at that moment when I remembered the diaries under my bed. I reached beneath my bed and hauled out the entire stack. I picked up one of Dawn's and started to read.

_OMG!! My mom is pregnant! Her and Richard just told us that they're expecting. I can't believe it. My mom is way too old to be having another child. Sure, I love kids. I just don't want another half-sibling. I already have Gracie back in California. One little sister is definitely enough. I'm thirteen and Jeff is ten. I thought mom was done with having kids. Having a new child is surely going to put on strain on Mom and Richard's marriage. I'm so mad at them for getting pregnant._

I closed the diary. Dawn had hated me since the moment she was first told about me. And my mom thinks it's my fault that we don't get along. At least I knew her before I decided I didn't like her. I picked up one Mary Anne's diaries hoping that she had had a different opinion about me.

_I can't believe! I'm going to have a little brother or sister. Sharon is pregnant. _

That was all that was written on that date in the diary. At least Mary Anne seemed a bit happier about me. I turned the page to read another entry.

_I'm over my excitement of having a half-sibling. I don't know how I feel I about it. On the one hand I think I'd make a terrific big sister. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be. The more I think about it, the more I start to wish that Sharon wasn't pregnant. I know that it's a terrible thing to say, but it's the truth._

I had read enough. It was clear that neither of my sisters had ever wanted me to exist. They had always hated me.


	4. Chapter 4

My headache was starting to come back so I closed the diaries and stuffed them back underneath my bed. I closed my eyes trying to stop the tears from coming. Once again I started to think about my family. I started missing Jeff. I was closer to my brother than was to my sisters. Jeff called to talk to me once a week. He never moved back here when Dawn did. He stayed in California. But even when Dawn was living here, I probably talked to Jeff more. He was very protective of me. I was his little sister, and he was my big brother. I wasn't sure if Jeff had been told about my accident or not.

Jeff was now twenty four years old. He had graduated from UCLA three years ago with an English degree. Jeff had always been interested in journalism and he was now the editor in chief of one of the top newspapers in San Francisco. He had been seeing the same woman ever since he finished university. She's the same age as him and she has a three year old daughter that Jeff treats as if she was his own daughter. I hope that he asks her to marry him soon.

I decided to check my email to see if he had emailed recently. Sure enough, there was an email from Jeff. I clicked on it and discovered that it was a video email. I liked it when Jeff sent me video emails of himself talking to me. It makes me forget for a short time how far away he is. I clicked play.

_Hi Alex. Mom told me about your accident. I hope you're feeling better. You scared all of us. I'm trying to book a flight for tomorrow. I have four days off so I was going to come and check on you. I love you. Bye._

I smiled to myself as the video stopped. I was happy that he was coming home. It had only been two years since I had last seen him. He comes home more often that Dawn and Mary Anne. I knew that he must be really worried about me to be coming when he only had four days off. The flights from California were expensive. I got up from my computer and lid down on my bed.

I must've fallen asleep because I glanced at my clock when someone had started knocking on my door. The time read seven o'clock and I had slept through supper. The knocking started to get louder and more persistent.

"Come in," I called grumpily through the door. I hated when people woke me up.

"I can't," my mom replied. "The door is locked."

I got up and unlocked my door to let my mom in.

"How are you feeling?" my mom asked me.

"Hungry," I retorted. "I slept through supper."

"I didn't know that," my mom answered. "I just got home from work. Everybody else has eaten."

"Nice of them to tell me about it," I said sarcastically.

"Why don't we go downstairs to get some leftovers," my mom asked me.

"I don't want leftovers!" I yelled. The truth was, I didn't really care what I ate, I was just angry at everything.

"Mary Anne cooked a ham," my mom said. "And Dawn made the salad that you really like."

"I don't care."

"Alex, you're being difficult," my mom said softly.

"I was in a car accident!" I screamed at my mom. "I'm allowed to be a little edgy!"

"You should never have been in that car in the first place!" my mom yelled at me.

"Are you saying it's my fault?" I asked.

"No," said my mom.

"Then why are you yelling at me?" I yelled.

"You have no idea how I felt when I got a phone call from the hospital!" my mom was screaming at me at this point. "I thought you were upstairs in your bedroom! I was scared to death!"

"If you had been paying attention to me you would've known I wasn't in my room!" I shouted at her. "I was gone for an hour before we had the accident! You're just upset because I interrupted your evening!"

I knew from the look on my mom's face that I had gone too far.

"That's not true, Alexandra," my mom whispered.

"I hate you," I said to her as I turned my back towards her.

"I'm going for a drive," my mom told me and I could hear her trying to prevent herself from crying.

I never said anything. I just listened to her leave my room and walk downstairs. I heard her tell my dad and sisters that she was going out for a bit and that she would be back later. Dad asked her what all the yelling had been about, and mom told him she'd tell him when she got back. I listened as my mom left the house and her car pulled out of the driveway. I closed my eyes and wished that I had a better relationship with my mom.

"Alex," said Mary Anne on the other side of my bedroom door. "Can we come in?"

"No," I replied. I didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment. Especially not them.

I heard my door open quietly and I rolled over.

"What part of no don't you understand?" I shouted at them. They looked at me and stared. For a moment it seemed like Mary Anne was going to leave but Dawn stopped her. They came in and sat down next to me on my bed.

"Alexandra," Dawn began softly. "What happened between you and Mom? When she left she looked like she had been crying."

"Nothing happened."

"Did you say something to her that might of upset her?" Mary Anne inquired.

"How would I know what would've upset her?" I demanded.

"What were you two yelling about then?" Dawn asked.

"None of your business," I replied sharply.

"Talk to us, Alex," Mary Anne said. "We're your sisters."

"Half-sisters," I corrected her. I looked at the two of them. They both looked like I had slapped them across the face.

"We're your sisters," Mary Anne repeated.

At the moment Dad threw open my bedroom door. His face looked panic stricken.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Mary Anne asked. I could hear the terror in her voice.

"There's been an accident," Dad replied shakily. "The doctor's don't know if your mom is going to make it."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Nothing has changed. Dawn, Mary Anne, Richard, Sharon, Jeff and Logan all belong to Ann M. Martin. The others are mine.**

I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed. Beside me I could here Dawn crying. I could feel Mary Anne shaking on the other side of me. Dad was standing in front of me now. He leaned over and gave me a big hug. He held me like that for a long time. When he let go he told us we were going to the hospital. He turned and left saying that we had five minutes to get ready and that he had to go call Jeff. I felt like we sat there forever in silence. I faintly heard someone say that we had to go. I was in so much shock that I don't even know who spoke. I didn't move from my position. Someone shook me and I looked up to see Mary Anne.

"Let's go," she said again.

"No," I replied quietly

"We're not arguing about this," she told me.

"I'm not going," I responded.

"We're all going," Dawn declared.

"Not me," I replied. I was getting angrier by the second. I just wanted the two of them to leave me alone.

The two of them left my room silently. I listened as they told Dad that I wasn't coming.

"I'll go get her," I heard Dad say.

"No, Dad," Mary Anne said. "Just let her be. We'll talk to her when we get back. Logan will keep an eye on her."

The three of them left and I sat on me bed, my head racing with thoughts of what had happened. I replayed in my mind the conversation I had had with my mom right before she left. And then it came back to me the last words I had said to her. The last words that I might have ever said to her. _I hate you._ I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I slid down onto the cold tiles of my bathroom floor and wept.

I cried for many reasons. I cried because I had been so horrible to my mom. I cried because of the way I had spoken to my sisters. But mostly I cried because I was scared that I would never see my mom again. I threw up again.

I don't know how long I had been sitting on the floor crying and shaking when I heard someone knocking on my bedroom door. I slowly pulled myself up from the tiled floor and staggered out of the bathroom to open my bedroom door. For a moment I had hoped that my mom was going to be on the other side of the door and that everything that had just happened had been a horrible dream. But that wish was short lived when I opened the door and found Logan standing on the other side.

"Can I come in?" he asked me. "I brought up some cold ham and salad for you. I know that you haven't eaten since lunch time. You must be starving."

I let Logan into my room. He was right, I was hungry. I ate the food that he had brought me in silence.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked me.

I just shrugged my shoulders not wanting to say anything.

"Why don't you help me put Amber and Amelia to bed?" he suggested. "It might help keep your mind off of things. Besides, they've barely seen yet."

I nodded my head slowly and blindly followed Logan to the bedroom that the four of them were staying in. When I entered the room the room Amber and Amelia both ran over to me and wrapped me in a hug. For the first time in what felt like forever, I smiled.

"They look like Mary Anne," I said quietly to Logan.

Logan shook his head. "No, Mary Anne and I both agree that they look just like you when you were that age."

I smiled. "Thanks."

Logan looked at his two daughters, "Why don't you go pick out a book for Alex to read to you."

"Okay," Amber said as Amelia started to root through their suitcase for a book. Once they had one found I sat down on the bed the bed and the my nieces climbed up beside me. I wasn't even finished reading the book when I noticed that the two of them had fallen asleep on my shoulders. I carefully lifted their heads off of my shoulders and got off of the bed. After tucking the two of them and kissing them goodnight I left. Instead of going right back to my bedroom, I went to the room where Rider and Daisy were sleeping. I stared at them lovingly for awhile before I kissed the top of their heads goodnight.

I quietly crept back to my room and lid down on my bed. Although I was exhausted I couldn't manage to go to sleep. I stayed awake thinking about my mom and what I had said to her. I wish she knew that I hadn't meant what I had said. I only said it because I was angry and didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to talk to someone. Someone who knew what I was going through and how I was feeling. But only three other people could possibly know how I was feeling at this moment. I couldn't call Jeff because he was probably at the airport right now, waiting for a flight to come home. And Dawn and Mary Anne were at the hospital with Dad. I wondered how Mary Anne felt. I knew that Dawn probably felt the same way I did, but I wasn't sure about Mary Anne. My mom wasn't Mary Anne's biological mother so I had no idea how she felt about everything. I wondered if anything happened to Mom would it affect her the same way that it would affect the rest of us.

_I don't want anything to happen to Mom,_ I silently prayed. _I want her to be okay. I'll try to be a better daughter. Just don't let anything happen to her._

I heard a car pull into the driveway. I hope that everyone is home, I thought to myself. I heard the front door open and I held my breathe, waiting for someone to come and tell me what was going on.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dawn, Mary Anne, Sharon, Richard, Logan or Jeff. they belong to Ann M. Martin. I own Alex.**

**Thanks for all the reviews. (i fixed the small error in chapter 4. which is that Jeff has been with his girlfriend since he _finished_ university)**

My bedroom door opened and in walked Dawn and Mary Anne. For once I did not yell at them for not knocking. I just looked at their tear stained faces.

"How's mom?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know.

"There's been no change," Dawn whispered.

I turned and started to shake uncontrollably. I didn't want my sisters to see me cry. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Talk to us, Alex," Mary Anne said.

I shook my head. "It's my fault," I said in a soft voice.

"No, it's not," Dawn said. "Mom was hit by a drunk driver."

"Yes, it was," my voice louder this time.

"Dawn's right," Mary Anne tried to comfort me. "This wasn't your fault."

"It was too," I was almost screaming at them by this point. "Mom wouldn't have left it

wasn't for me."

"What makes you think that?" Mary Anne asked. She was irritating me now. She was treating me like one of her patients.

"I told her I hated her!!" I screamed at them. "The last thing that I ever said to her was that I hated her!! Do you have any idea how I feel right now!! Get out!"

They didn't leave. They didn't speak. Dawn came over and held me. The more I tried to get her to let go of me, the harder she held on.

"Mom knows that you didn't mean it," Dawn whispered calmly.

"How do you know?" I asked her. I was challenging her statement. "How do you know that I didn't mean what I said?"

"Because," Mary Anne spoke rationally. "If you had meant, you wouldn't be as upset as you are now. You wouldn't be regretting what you had said."

I listened to what Mary Anne had just said. It made sense. But it still didn't answer my other question. Did _Mom_ know that I hadn't meant it?

"Why would you tell Mom that you hated her?" Dawn asked.

"Because I was mad at her." I replied.

"Yes," Mary Anne said smiling. "We know that you said it because you were mad her. I think what Dawn was asking was why were you mad at her?"

I shrugged my shoulders, but not because I didn't know the answer to the question. I shrugged because I didn't want to tell them. I didn't want to tell them for many reasons. I knew if I told Dawn she'd tell me that at least my parents were still together. If I told Mary Anne she'd tell me that at least my mother was still alive. _But for how long,_ I wondered. I shook my head hard. Trying to get that awful image out of my mind. I didn't want to think about.

"Fine then," Mary Anne said. "Why don't we talk about something else. Something that will take your mind off of everything that's been happening. How's school going?"

"I don't want to talk anymore," I told the them. I looked at the expressions on their faces. They seemed surprised by how quickly I could shut down. If they had known me at all they wouldn't have been surprised.

"Alex, why won't you talk to us?" Dawn asked. "You never talk to either of us. You never tell us anything. We never even knew that you had a boyfriend. Were you ever going to tell us?"

I looked at her hard and my anger for the two of them started to come back. I had no idea why they were choosing this moment to start questioning me about my personal life. Of all the times they could've asked me before, they were choosing this moment to interrogate me. They probably don't even care really. They're just trying to be nosy. It's not like they even wanted me to exist anyway. They both probably would've been very happy if I hadn't come along. I started to regret ever reading their diaries. I knew that if they ever found out that I had read their inner most thoughts they would be very mad at me. They probably would never want to talk to me again. I wondered if they had known at the time how the other had felt. I wondered if they had ever sat down and discussed it.

"Alex?" Dawn asked. I knew she was waiting for me to answer to her.

"The same time you were going to tell me that you were pregnant again," I answered her coldly.

"I already explained that to you," Dawn replied. "I thought that Mom was going to tell you."

"Did Mom tell Mary Anne?" I asked her.

"No, I did," she replied. "I called her right after I had called and told Mom and Richard."

"What about Jeff? Did Mom have to tell him?" I inquired, my voice starting to increase in volume.

"No," Dawn answered. "I told him when we met for lunch one day. What is your point, Alex?"

"Why on earth would I tell you guys anything when you never tell me anything?" I yelled at them.

They both looked at me shocked.

"We tell you stuff," Mary Anne said.

"Like what?" I demanded of them. "Neither of you have ever informed me that you were pregnant." I looked at Dawn, "And Mom had to tell me that you were married. _After_ you had gotten married."

"I eloped, Alex," Dawn replied. "I didn't tell my parents either."

"But you told Mary Anne and Jeff," I said to her.

"We needed to witnesses," Dawn exclaimed, frustrated.

"And you just happened to decide to elope the same weekend that Mary Anne was visiting?" I challenged her.

She didn't answer me. I could tell that I was really starting to irritate Dawn. Mary Anne stayed silent throughout my conversation with Dawn, but I now I turned to speak to her.

"And you never bothered to tell me that you were getting engaged."

"I was going to," she replied. "It's just that you were eavesdropping on my phone conversation with Dad."

"How convenient for you," I said sarcastically.

Mary Anne was about to say something, when there was a knock at my door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Jeff, Logan, Dawn, Mary Anne, Richard and Sharon all belong to Ann M. Martin. I own the other characters**

I got up to answer my bedroom door. It was Jeff. I through my arms around him and gave him a big hug. He hugged me back and asked how I was doing.

"Okay, I guess," was my response.

Dawn and Mary Anne got up to hug him.

"How's Mom doing?" he asked Dawn.

"Still no change," She answered. "How did you get here?"

"I took a cab from the airport," he replied. "I didn't bother to call because I thought everybody would be in bed by now."

I looked at the clock and discovered that it was two o'clock in the morning.

"I'm going to bed," I announced. "I'm tired."

"Alex, we're leaving at nine o'clock tomorrow morning to go back to the hospital," Mary Anne told me. "I really think you should go. And Dad wants you to be there with the rest of us."

"Just think about it," Jeff said before I had a chance to answer.

They all said goodnight to me and left my room.

I should've gone straight to bed after they had left my room, but I didn't. Instead I reached into my night table drawer and routed around beneath all of the papers until I found what I had been looking for. My diary. I never used to write in a diary until my guidance counsellor at school told me I should. She wanted me to start writing, since, according to her, I have trouble verbalizing my emotions. According to me, some things should just be kept a secret. I really didn't like my guidance counsellor, she was always asking me questions about why I did stuff. Like, why did I get into fights. I've gotten into several fights since the start of the school year and each time I had to talk to the guidance counsellor afterwards. I am currently suspended from school because of the most recent scuffle I've been in. I didn't even start the fight. But I was still the one suspended. Which has led to my most recent arguments with my mother.

I opened up my diary and started writing trying to sort out my feelings.

_I have messed everything up. My mom's in the hospital. I don't even know if she's going to be okay. I regret telling her that I hated her. It wasn't the truth. I was just mad because she didn't seem to believe me that the fight wasn't my fault. I didn't start it. She said she believed but I don't think she did. I can't even talk to my sisters about it. I wish I could. I could forgive them for not keeping in touch with me as they grew up. But I can't forgive them for wishing I didn't exist. That's the real reason I'm mad at them. But I can't ever tell them that. _

I closed the diary and lodged it down on my bed. I lid back and closed my eyes to try and fall asleep. It seemed like I had just fallen asleep when there was a loud knock at my door.

"Get up, Alex!" Jeff shouted through the door. "You have an hour to get ready and you have to eat breakfast!"

I groggily looked at my alarm clock. It was eight o'clock. My bed was a mess from where I had tossed and turned the night before. I hadn't even bothered to put on my pyjamas last night. I crawled out of bed and stumbled to my bathroom to take a shower. After my shower I went back into my room. My sisters were both sitting on my bed.

"What are doing in here?" I asked them. "I was just going to come down for breakfast."

"We were just came up to see if you were getting ready," Mary Anne said.

"Why would you think that we didn't want a little sister?" Dawn asked me.

I looked at her, puzzled. What was she talking about? And then it occurred to me. My diary. It was then that I noticed the little book that Mary Anne was holding in her hand.

"You read my Diary?" I asked them quietly.

"It was lying on your bed," Mary Anne told me. "You never answered Dawn's question."

I walked towards my bed and reached underneath it for the diaries. I tossed them to Mary Anne and Dawn.

"That's why," I exclaimed spitefully.

"These are our old diaries," Dawn said examining what I had just tossed at them. "Where did you get these?"

"From the attic," I replied.

"I still don't understand why you would think that we hated you," Mary Anne said.

I opened their diaries to the same pages that I had read the previous day. When they were done reading them, they looked up at me.

"Alex," Dawn started to explain. "We didn't mean what we wrote. We were just shocked that Mom was pregnant."

"And I was scared," Mary Anne said.

"What were you scared of?" I asked her.

"I was scared that I wouldn't be a good sister," she answered. "I had never had a baby in the house before. I mean, Dawn knew Jeff when he was a baby. But when I was growing up it was just me and Dad. I didn't know what to expect."

"Did you read all of our diaries," Dawn asked me.

"No," I replied. "Why?"

Dawn flipped to near the end of her diary and held it out for me to read it.

_Mom and Richard were finally able to bring Alexandra home today. She's four weeks old, but she still isn't very big. She is so small and so adorable. I can't wait until she's bigger so that I can feed her her bottle. Mom let's us hold her. I don't think Mom and Richard have held Alexandra since they brought her home this morning. Jeff, Mary Anne and I take turns holding her. She fell asleep in my arms and she looked so peaceful, I didn't want Mom to put her in her crib. I just wanted her to stay in my arms._

I looked at Dawn and smiled.

"Were you really happy when I was born?" I asked her.

"Yes," she replied. "You were the cutest baby I had ever seen. And you were so small and fragile."

"Here," Mary Anne said to me, holding out her open diary.

I took the diary and started to read the page that it had been open too.

_Alex (I think it irritates Sharon that we all call her that) is eight weeks old today. Sharon has to take her to the doctor to get a needle. I wanted to go with them, but Sharon said that I should stay home. I'm just scared the Alex won't like the needle and it'll hurt her. She looks amazing just sleeping in her crib. She wakes up several times each night and wakes us all up. But I don't care. It's hard to be upset with someone so innocent and pure._

"Thanks," I said to both of them.

"Alex," Mary Anne started to say. "We've always love you. And we both hate the fact that we aren't that close to you. But we do miss you when you're away. And I know that we should've come home more often, but it was just so hard."

"Do you remember the first year we were in university?" Dawn asked me.

"No, why?"

"Because," Mary Anne said. "We both stayed at home our second semester, and attended the local college."

"Why would you do that?" I asked.

"We did it because we missed you so much our first semester," Dawn explained to me. "We couldn't stay here and attend university after our second semester because they didn't offer the courses we required for our degrees."

"I never knew that," I told them.

Mary Anne laughed a little. "You never noticed in all of the pictures that were taken at your fourth birthday party that we had been there?"

"I guess I never really paid any attention to it," I explained.

Mary Anne and Dawn wrapped me into a big hug.

"Why don't we go down for breakfast?" Dawn suggested. "I believe Logan was going to make pancakes."

"You guys go on down," I said to them. "I still have to change. I'll be down in about five minutes."

Mary Anne nodded and the two of them left my room.

As I started to get ready, I began to whistle. I was finally starting to have a good relationship with my sisters. Now if I only I could make things right between me and my mom.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Ann M. Martin owns Dawn, Mary Anne, Richard, Sharon, Jeff, and Logan. The rest of the characters are mine.**

"Mmmmmm," I exclaimed as I walked into the kitchen for breakfast. "That smells good."

"Uncle Logan made chocolate chip pancakes," Rider told me.

"Do they taste good," I asked Rider.

Instead of answering me, Rider stuffed a big forkful into his mouth.

"I assume that's a yes," I said smiling.

I got myself a glass of milk and sat down next to Daisy to eat my breakfast.

"How are you feeling this morning?" Jeff asked me.

"Tired," I replied.

"Me, too," He said.

I slowly started to pick at my breakfast. Rider was right, they did taste good. I just wasn't

in the mood to eat anything.

"What's wrong with the pancakes?" Jeff asked me, looking sceptical at the ones on his plate.

"Nothing," I answered. "I just don't feel like eating."

"Okay," Jeff said. After being reassured that the pancakes were edible he started to eat them quickly. He must have eaten about eight pancakes before he announced that he was full.

"Come on Alex," Dawn said. "Eat up. When you were younger you always used to try eat as many pancakes as Jeff."

"I don't feel like eating," I repeated again.

"Okay," said Mary Anne as she sat down to eat her breakfast.

After we had finished breakfast, Mary Anne, Dawn, Jeff and I all left for the airport.

"Are you alright, Alex?" Mary Anne asked me looking at me in the rear view mirror. Mary Anne was driving.

"Is Mom hooked up to a lot of machines?" I asked them.

"Yes," Dawn replied.

"Do I have to go into the hospital room?" I inquired.

"Not if you don't want to," Mary Anne said. "We won't make you."

We drove the rest of the way to the hospital in silence. Once we found a parking spot we all entered the building. Jeff and I followed Mary Anne and Dawn through the hospital. When we finally saw Dad I ran over and gave him a big hug.

"How is she?" I asked.

"She's stable," Dad answered. "There still hasn't been any change. When did you get in, Jeff?"

"I got in about one o'clock this morning," Jeff answered as he gave my dad a hug. "Can I go in and see Mom?"

"Yes," Dad replied.

Jeff left us out in the hallway and went into Mom's hospital room.

"You can go in when Jeff comes out," Dad turned to me and said. "Only one visitor is allowed in at a time."

I shook my head. "I don't want to go in."

"Why not?" Dad asked me.

"I just don't," I replied.

Jeff was in Mom's room for over an hour. The entire time he was in there I sat quietly on one of the chairs in the hallway. I could hear Dad talking to Mary Anne and Dawn but their voices sounded so distant. I couldn't make out what they were saying. I was vaguely aware of the fact that Dawn and Mary Anne each took their turns to go in and visit Mom, but I stayed where I was too.

"Alex," I could here someone calling out my name as I was being shaken.

I snapped out of my trance.

"Alex," Mary Anne said. "We were going to all go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat. Are you coming?"

"I'm not hungry," I replied.

"You didn't eat a very big breakfast," Dawn said to me.

"I just don't want to eat," I told them.

"Which was is it?" Mary Anne asked me. "Are you not hungry or do you just don't want to eat?"

I lifted my head to look at her. She knew what the answer to the question was. I didn't want to eat.

"Alex, you have to eat something," Mary Anne said. "You're going to make yourself sick if you don't."

"I'll eat later," I told them.

"At least come down to the cafeteria with us," Dawn said. "We can eat outside and get

some fresh air."

"I just want to stay here," I announced.

"Well, why don't I stay here with you," Mary Anne suggested. "I'm not hungry." We heard her stomach growl and she laughed. "Well, maybe I'm a little bit hungry."

"You go eat lunch," I said. "I don't mind staying here by myself."

"Are you sure?" Mary Anne asked me.

"I'm sure."

"Okay," Dawn said. I watched as they left to join Dad and Jeff for lunch. Once they were out of sight I turned and walked into Mom's room. I shut the door behind me. I carefully walked over to Mom's bed and sat down on the uncomfortable chair that was next to it. My mom looked so small and helpless lying on the hospital bed attached to all of the machines. There was a faint humming sound coming from one of the machines and another was making a beeping sound, the one that was monitoring her pulse. Her head was wrapped in a bandage and her arm was in a cast.

"Hi mom," I said. "It's me, Alex. I'm sorry that I haven't been to visit you before now. I just didn't want to you in the hospital. I don't like that you're hooked up to all of these machines. It's kind of scary. You look like you're in a lot of pain. The doctors say that you broke a couple of your ribs. You also broke your wrist. Do you remember when I broke my wrist a couple of years ago, playing soccer? You told me you were never going to let me play again. But you did. And my team went on to win first place last year."

I smiled to myself, remembering how Mom had come rushing into the hospital demanding to know what happened to see. After I got my cast, Mom took me out for ice cream. I scared her a lot that day.

"Jeff got in early this morning," I told her. "Dad, Mary Anne, Dawn and Jeff are all gone to the cafeteria for something to eat. I didn't go with them because I didn't feel like eating. I haven't eaten much since you were in the accident."

It seemed like so much time had passed since Dad and come to my room to tell me, Dawn and Mary Anne that Mom had been in a car accident. But in fact, it had only been last night. It had only been last night that I had told my mom I hated her. I started to cry

"I'm so sorry Mom," I sobbed into her shoulder. "It's all my fault."

I felt someone touch my arm lightly. "Alex?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Ann M. Martin owns Dawn, Mary Anne, Jeff, Logan, Sharon and Richard and the Baby-sitters Club (and Pizza Express i believe). I own the other characters**

I lifted my head up. "Mom?"

I could see my mom open eyes.

"Alex?" she asked again.

"I'm sorry Mom," I said. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry you were in the accident. I'm sorry I'm always fighting with you. I'm sorry that I told you hated you. I didn't mean it. I was just mad."

"I know Alex," my mom said carefully. "I know you didn't mean what you said. And the accident wasn't your fault. But right now I need you to go get a nurse okay?"

"Why?" I asked quickly. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she said smiling. "You just need to go let a nurse now that I'm awake, okay?"

I nodded my head. "I'll be back in a second."

I ran out into the hallway but before I could tell a nurse that my mom was awake I saw the rest of my family. I ran into Dad's arms and hugged him.

"Mom's awake!" I told them excitedly.

Dad rushed to tell a nurse that Mom was awake. He followed the nurse into Mom's room while the rest of us stayed out in the hallway, waiting anxiously.

The nurse left the room as soon as she was finished examining Mom. Dad stayed in to talk to Mom for a bit before coming out.

"How is she?" Dawn asked as soon as Dad came out of the room.

"She's a bit tired but other than that she's doing fine," Dad answered. "You can all take turns going in to see her. One at a time."

Dawn went in first, then Jeff and then Mary Anne.

"Sharon wants to talk to you now," Mary Anne said to me when she came out of Mom's room."

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know," Mary Anne said. "She told me to ask you to go in."

I walked in to Mom's room

"Mary Anne said you wanted to talk to me," I said.

"Yes, I did," she replied. "You said earlier that you were sorry that you were mad."

I nodded my head.

"But I don't know why you were mad," she continued. "You never said."

"I was mad with you," I replied.

"Why?" she asked. "What did I do that caused you to be so angry."

"I always felt that you don't love me as much as you love Dawn and Jeff," I answered.

"That's not true. Why would you feel that way."

"Because you always treated me differently," I told her. "You let Dawn and Jeff do things at my age that you won't let me do."

"Like what?" she asked me.

"Like fly to California," I said. "I asked you if I could go to California this summer to visit Jeff and you told me you didn't want me flying across the country by myself. Dawn and Jeff used to do it all the time."

"Alex," Mom started to say. "I didn't want you to fly across the country by yourself because your still my little girl. And I worry about you constantly."

"You never worried about Dawn and Jeff that much," I said.

"I know," Mom replied. "I didn't realize that it bothered you that much. You never told me before."

I shrugged my shoulders. "And you didn't believe me when I told you I didn't start the fight that I'm being suspended for."

"Yes, I did."

"Then why were you mad at me?" I asked her.

"I wasn't mad. I was just upset that you chose to stay and fight instead of walking away from it," Mom answered. "I want you to promise me that you won't fight in anymore. One of these days you're going to get seriously hurt."

"I promise," I said to her.

Mom wrapped me in a big hug until the nurse told me it was time to leave because Mom needed some rest. I told my Mom I would see her later that night before I went to bed.

I went out into the hallway.

"I'm hungry," I said to Mary Anne smiling.

"Why don't I drive you to get something to eat before we go home," she suggested. "Jeff is going to stay here with Dad, but Dawn and I were going to go home to be with our kids."

"Okay," I said.

"Where would you like to go?" Dawn asked me when we got in the car.

"Pizza Express," I said.

"Remember when we used to go there with the Baby-Sitters Club?" Mary Anne asked Dawn.

"Yeah," she replied. "That was the only place to get a pizza."

It didn't take us long to get there. I ordered my pizza before we even found a place to sit down.

"I'll have a twelve inch pizza with pepperoni, salami, bacon, green peppers, onions and mushrooms on it, please," I ordered. "And extra cheese, too"

We found a place to sit and it didn't take long before my pizza was ready.

"Are you hungry, Alex?" Dawn asked staring wide-eyed at my pizza.

I laughed a little. "You guys can have some if you want." Dawn tries not to eat too much meat, but every now and then she'll have some. Although she still refuses to touch a steak.

They each reached out to grab a slice.

"So, Alex," Mary Anne said with a slice of steaming hot pizza poised in front of your mouth. "Tell us about your boyfriend."

And so for the first time ever, I started talking about boys with my sisters.


	10. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: Ann M. Martin owns Dawn, Mary Anne, Jeff, Logan, Sharon, Richard and Stoneybrook High School. The other characters are mine.**

**Note: This is the end of story. I hope everyone enjoyed it. Thank-you for the reviews, I really appreciated them. I would like to know what everyone thought of the end of the story. **

**Epilogue**

It's been three months since my mom's accident. She left the hospital about a week after she had been admitted. She was feeling much better now. I now have a very good relationship with my mom and we talk about things. I haven't gotten into any more fights at school. And after my suspension was over, I applied to work on the school newspaper. It turns out that I'm actually a pretty good writer. I'm still playing soccer. In fact, we just won the championships for our district. My grades started to improve drastically over the past few months. In fact, I managed to get a few A's on my report card.

Dawn gave birth to another girl about four weeks ago. She named her Lily and she looks just like Daisy. Daisy starts school in September and Dawn is really nervous about it. Dawn has decided to work part since Bradley has started to work full time. But Dawn doesn't mind being a stay at home mom part of the time, it was her idea.

Mary Anne called a few days ago to tell me that she was pregnant. I'm so happy for her. Plus, both her and Logan have been offered positions at the Stoneybrook High School. Logan will become the new athletics coach and Mary Anne is going to be the guidance counsellor/psychologist. They'll start this September, the same time I start high school (I'll be entering grade nine). I guess I'll be seeing a lot more of them.

And Jeff proposed to her girlfriend shortly after he went back to California. They plan on coming home next summer to get married.

My relationships with my sisters have also improved greatly over the last three months. We email each other daily and I never go more than a week without talking to them on the phone.

Both my sisters invited me to stay with them this summer for a couple of weeks. We decided that I would first fly to Kentucky to spend two weeks with Mary Anne and then I would fly to California for two weeks with Dawn. I leave tomorrow. Mom's a little bit nervous of letting me fly across the country by myself but Dad talked her into letting me go. Tonight Mom and I are going to have girl's night out. First we're going to go see a movie and then we're going to go out for pizza.

I started whistling as I packed my suitcases for my vacation. Things are going to be a lot from now on.


End file.
